Dealing with Change: A New York Grandma’s Perspective on Life’s Changes and How They Shaped Her

An Interview

By Lola Buono

Student, mother, wife, grandma, educator – my grandma has been basically everything, and she has always been in my life. She was a loving and supportive wife, and after his death, she still found caring and kindness in others and the world. She has always cared for me. She has taught me what family means, the value of being nice, and the impact kindness can have on people. She is a light that flows through my life, influencing the decisions that I make every day. She teaches important lessons about change. Her depictions of her life create a sense of wonder, a newfound enjoyment, as I explore what my own life could be.

What is your favorite memory from your childhood?

My favorite memory would be going to the beach. I went with my family most of the time.

How have these moments shaped you into who you are today? 

They taught me to be a little cautious. I was a strong swimmer, but there were times when it got a little crazy in the ocean. Those experiences also shaped where I’ve been living for most of my life. I realized how important it is, wherever I am, to be somewhere close to the water and nature. It gave me an appreciation for the natural world.

Were any of your teachers particularly influential? 

When I was in high school, we had an English teacher who did things a little differently. She exposed us to literature that was different from most of the usual teachers. I’d love to remember her name, but I can't. I can see her face. There was another English teacher who had a great sense of humor. I can remember him. We were in an honors class, and we were taking pictures for the yearbook. He did something funny. He had us all stand on chairs and face the back of the room, and he said, “Greetings from the backwards 4H English.” He taught me that you don’t have to be serious all the time. You can have fun while you are learning.

What has been your proudest moment?

I’m proud of all my kids and my grandkids and all that, but I went back to college. I enrolled in college at the ripe old age of forty or forty-two. It was a senior program, a course for adults who were returning to school. I didn't finish, but I got three years into it. The first year, we would go twice a week for five hours straight after the work day. Getting my first set of marks, I realized that, even as an adult, I could do the work and learn. I got an A+ on an English paper, and that was my proudest moment. 

What was the paper about?

I was taking a twentieth-century novel course. My paper was about a gothic novel called The Haunting of Hill House. I wrote about a comparison between incidents in Hill House and at the property where we were living, on the Polly Prep campus. There’s a circular staircase that leads up to a trap door in Hill House, and at Poly Prep, there's a tower with a circular staircase. I drew a parallel between what the main character was feeling on her property and how I saw my property.

Who would you say has been the most impactful person in your life? 

My maternal grandmother. We’d go to plant nurseries together, she’d point things out, she’d give me her cuttings from her houseplants and her yard. She passed her love and passion on to me, and it's been with me all my life. Your grandfather, too, because we grew up together. We had children together. We had a family together. He was kindhearted and warm-hearted and so witty, so caring, and smart. He had an amazing way of dealing with people. He was also very supportive of me in a lot of different things. It was probably he who shaped, in a lot of ways, who your dad and Uncle Cory are. 

Is there something you learned from him?

He took responsibility for things. He just went and stood up for something and took pride in everything that he did. He took a lot of pride in everything that he did. He was also very sick for a while, and during that time, he still found humor in things. 

What is something you think everyone should know about life? 

Change is inevitable; mistakes are okay. Mistakes are how you learn. Getting something right all the time or doing what's easiest and comfortable isn’t where you grow. Your growth comes from your harder minutes, the harder times. You appreciate it more when things are going smoothly. So don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone. And don't be afraid to make a friend.

How did you learn this? Was there one mistake that you made that, looking back, was beneficial?

I've made a bunch of those mistakes. In my job, I can remember having somebody pretty angry with me for something I did. I called them up and said, “Look, I’m sorry. That shouldn't have happened. I just want to get back and see how I can make this better.” The person basically thanked me. They said that it's not very often that somebody will give you a call and apologize like that. When I worked at Polly in the advancement office, there was a gentleman who was known to be difficult. I reached out to him. We came to an understanding, and later, unbeknownst to me, he appreciated my effort to the point where he gave a pretty significant gift in my honor.

Looking back, what is one thing that you wish you had known in your life? How do you think your life would've been impacted if you had known this?

This one's a tuffy. I wish I had known that childhood goes by fast – not just mine, but my kids’ and my grandkids’ childhoods. It goes by really fast, and I wish I was less focused on keeping things orderly, right, and programmed. I wish I’d allowed my children a little more leeway to explore. Your mom and dad have been much more aware of that than I ever was. Watching how they have parented you and Sam has been eye-opening for me. 

It was wonderful having children young; there's so much joy in all of it. But when you are young, even though you’re an adult, you don't know everything. It's not until you're older that you see to different ways of doing things. That greater exposure would have broadened not only my own experiences, but also the experiences my kids had. 

What do you hope the world will be like in the future? 

I hope that people begin to or go back to respecting each other's values. Being kind to each other. Realizing that we are more alike than we are different. Understanding that we need to take care of our resources, to find time to breathe, to take quiet moments to reflect, to slow down. I hope that the world gets to a place where slowing down is not a privilege, but something accepted as a normal part of life. I wish that people wouldn’t feel like they have to constantly have to be doing something. 

Sometimes we learn more by just sitting and listening and thinking before we talk. Sometimes it's not the words coming out that matter, but an underlying feeling. It requires you to pay more attention to what you’re feeling and what you’re feeling from someone else, to someone’s body language, in addition to their words. It’s a different type of communication, and I think it will enrich your relationships.

How do you think you have affected lives?

I've tried to be kind. I’m not always succeeding. I’ve made assumptions, and every time I’ve made an assumption about someone based on their appearance, I’ve been wrong. I’ve learned. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to be open to hearing people, to helping out where I can. I think that approach has meant a lot to people. There are still people from the job I left a few years back who check in with me. There are new people that I’ve met recently, and it's sweet that they’re checking in, reaching out, saying, “Hey, how are you doing?”. I think that by sharing my heart, I've helped other people share theirs.